One Dog, Two Dog, Grey Dog, Jew Dog.

Those of you who know my family well, know that above their own lives and the lives of The College Man, Miss Raquel and yours truly, Mama and Papa Jones treasure Miss Shayna Maidel, personality, princess...family dog. You can't blame them, really. Shayna, a beautiful grey malty-poo (white maltese father, black poodle mother), who was strutting her stuff down the corridors of Jones Manor long before the advent of the nauseating term "designer dog," is a motherfucking riot. She's small enough to cradle like a baby, but unlike other pussy Long Island petite pups, she's a sturdy specimen, exhibiting sharp instincts and genuine athletic prowess. At three-years-old Shayna can dance on her hind legs, sprint at rabbit speed and catch a soaring frisbee in mid-air (the ultimate "real dog" test).


Shayna Joyner-Kersee

Shayna brings out two main qualities in my parents, the first being insanity, the second, compassion. This is what I mean by insanity:



Yes, that is what you fear it is.




Shayna's extensive wardrobe also includes an embellished denim jacket, a yellow rain slicker (she didn't take to the booties), multiple winter sweaters and fleeces, and two Halloween costumes (the only doggie clothing I will sanction). And I don't even want to talk about the doggie stroller.


So logical.

Often I have to remind myself amidst my embarrassment: The parents lavish because they love. This is where the compassion kicks in. Since the dog has entered our lives mom and pops have given generously to shelters and animal abuse-related charities. And watched an shitload lot of Animal Planet. So I guess it was only a matter of time before I got this phone call:

(2:45 this afternoon)

Mama Jones: I'm holding our new dog!!!

Miss Stacia: Shut the fuck up.

Mama Jones: No really. It's what your father wanted for Father's Day. The dog's a malty-poo, we think. We're adopting him from a shelter. His name is Moses.

Miss Stacia: You're not serious. I'm sorry, but I won't stand for that.

Mama Jones: Stand for what?

Miss Stacia: A dog named Moses! We have to change the name. How about Fred? James? Little Stevie. Shit mom, call him Bowie!!! Please! Please! BOWIE!!! I'm willing to give up MY first dog name to our family pet as long as I don't have to call that dog Moses.

Mama Jones: Whatever, we'll talk about it later.

Miss Stacia: Fine. And take a picture with your camera phone...


Let my kibble go.

It turns out that Moses is already two-and-a-half years old and was taken from a disturbingly abusive home to be rescued by mom and pops. There's no way the pup is answering to any name other than Moses, and there's no way I can be mad at him for it. Instead, I will chastise another celebrity couple, Monster Paltrow and Fairy Martin, for their biblical baby-name brainstorming. Fuck you Moses Martin for stealing my dog's thunder.

And still, cursing out skinny blond celebrities and their spawn doesn't hide the fact that the Jonses are now the owners of a pair of obnoxiously Jewish pets, Moses and Shayna Maidel. What is this, Fiddler on the Roof? Mama Jones doesn't need more encouragement to buy doggie kippot and arrange "Bark Mitzvahs." Bitch is dog-crazy enough to go through with it.

When I told Dazrazzle about the new (predictably hairy) Jewish couple living under our roof, Daz asked if Mama and Papa Jones were going to "breed them and make little Isaacs, Abrahams, Sarahs and Rebekkahs." I say, why not. We're due for at least one more. One for mom, one for dad and one for Israel.