Behind the Scenes: The Colbert Report

Who knew my little Dazrazzle wielded so much power in New York broadcast ticketing offices? After securing us seats at a taping of the historic but increasingly uninspiring Saturday Night Live (not even guest host Napoleon Dynamite could save this puppy), my favorite social circuit board squeezed one of her juiciest contacts for four tickets to newly sprouted satirical news show, The Colbert Report. Colbert is truly a rare talent with the comic fluency and monster cajones to successfully helm his own brand of caustic current events commentary, but although the series shows much promise, it was the taping experience itself that provided last night’s oh-so-priceless moments.

Five highlights:

1. Standing on line to get into the studio in front of the guy that invented the "jump to conclusions mat" in the movie “Office Space.” It took our collective pride as privacy-respecting, non-celebrity-worshipping New Yorkers (lie to yourself Dero, its okay) not to turn to him and say “Jump to Conclusions Man, that movie epitomizes the lives we’re currently living.”
2. Lisa Loeb's bladderific declaration. As the bespectacled folkie emerged from a black sedan in front of the studio building, (effectively ruining the “big surprise” that she would sing five bars - of hmmm, I wonder what song - to complement one of Colbert's jokes) she declared quite loudly in the face of Daz’s younger brother, Francis Xavier XXIII, “I have to pee so badly I can’t hold it anymore!” See America, C-Level, one-hit-wonder-penning celebrities are just like us!
3. Stephen Colbert’s entrance. We got our first taste of the manic anchor as he bolted into the studio, halted center stage facing the audience, and pushed off to complete seven perfect turns in succession, spotting like a prima ballerina. When asked to recall what song was playing during this Fame-worthy entrance, my girl J-Faust replied, “Sorry man. I really don’t remember. I was busy being dazzled by his turning.” To which Daz added, “Totally dazzled. I imagined it was Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairy.” Note to Colbert’s mother: Those years of tap dance training you put little Stephen through really paid off. Note to Stephen: The middle-school beatings were worth it. Every pre-teen girl’s juices flowed for that lone male in dance class.
4. The pre-show audience question-and-answer segment. Before entering the studio the audience was advised to formulate “funny and creative” questions to ask Stephen before the taping. The best question, and the one I wish I’d asked (later to be used as a response by Colbert to the unbearably lame inquiry, “What’s the funniest question you’ve ever been asked?” ) went something like this: “One time on the Daily Show you made a comment about how you like to sexually harass your interns. I have my resume here with me now and I was wondering if you would hire me.”
5. The way Colbert refused to pronounce the hard “T” at the end of word "Report." The postulated commentary from Bill O’ Reilly (or “Papa Bear” as Colbert has him lovingly nicknamed) on this technicality: “The Colbert RAPPORT? Fucking French bastard.”