Dear Mom and Dad,
It was very nice of you to recruit furry companionship for me, your favorite daugther, and I realize you brought home the latest, unfortunately-named canine with my prosperous romantic future in mind. Moses was a very sweet, sensitive dog, but to be honest he was so clingy it made me want to vomit dandelions. In the beginning his aggressive pursuit was intriguing, all the nuzzling, licking, humping - let's face it, it had been a while. But the kid had his nose quite literally up my ass, twenty-four hours a day and it was too much hounding for even this pooch to take. You know how it is. Sometimes you just want to fall asleep to the Michael Bolton medley on the Adult Contemporary music channel without someone rubbing their little weiner up against you.
I'm guess I'm just a little surprised you thought I would take this arranged marriage lying down. That is one command I cannot follow, I'm sorry. A bitch can't choose who she loves. Besides, I'm still young and sprightly. I've got strut left in this stride and I haven't even finished making my rounds on our block. This may sound a bit immodest, but I'm a hot piece of ass. It's 2006. A dog can be whoever she wants, and I can be a sexually curious, emotionally hardened, independent female if I feel like it.
Anyway, Moses had to go. It was inevitable. Don't worry, he's in a new home, one without a female dog around to get his leash in a tangle. Maybe in his time alone he will do some soul searching and build up his self-confidence so he doesn't just play dead for the next bitch that comes along. I wish him all the luck in the world, now that the house is mine once again.
So please, I know they're furry and adorable, but no more suitors. Unless you can track down Comet from Full House. He's fucking hot.
Love,
Shayna
**Papa Jones and The College Man were allergic to the new dog, so unfortunately Moses is a Jones no longer. If you see my parents entering a pet store or animal shelter, please shoot them with a tranquilizer gun or taser to prevent further cuteness-induced adoptions.**
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Perhaps Shayna should star on a hit Animal Planet show about four sexually curious, non-committal, female dogs who roam New York City in Manolo dog collars, dine on steak tartar and lap sparkling water at the trendiest dog parks, while searching for a stud who knows more about mating than doing it doggie style. It could be called, "Hot Bitches in the City".
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