Meet the (New) Coworkers: Rishchard Orleans

It's been a tough transition month over here at Collections are Dangerous. I've had to adjust to waking up at 10:00 am instead of 7:00am, to wearing jeans and sneakers instead of corporate couture, to eating Wendy's instead of Grilled Fiesta Chicken Lean Cuisines. Frankly, I'm exhausted from all the letting loose.

But I'm finally back in the groove, ready to dish on the peeps I've been getting to know over the past few weeks, people who will certainly inform and inspire future prolific postings by Miss Stacia.

Let's start with Rishchard Orleans, the thirty-something Williamsburgite (originally from Louisiana) who sits directly behind me and is my companion for the final hour of my wacky 11-8 schedule.

A few things you should know about Rishchard:

1. He is the drummer in a stand-up-comedy band called Tickle Dracula (also known as Scratch Mummy, Massage Wolfman and Indian Burn Frankenstein).
2. His wife picks out his clothes for him, and has impeccable taste (I also hear she's a dead ringer for Drew Barrymore.).
3. When he puts a rubber band around his forehead, cinching his unruly coif, he looks a bit like Michael Flatley .
4. He's on a no-cookie diet. Things he CAN eat on this diet include barbequed pork and brisket, hamburgers, burritos and more barbequed pork.
5. He doesn't like it when you call his mother a whore.

Rishchard and I initially bonded out of necessity - we are two of the only people in our department who are in the office past 7:00pm and frankly, it gets dull enough to floss by about ten after seven. But we came to find that we actually have a lot in common, including a love of smoked meats and reverence for Michael McDonald.

For some reason, my conversations with Rishchard often revolve around my religion. I can't say whether this is due to my penchant for poking fun at my own people or Rishchard's closet jealousy of Those Who Have Been Chosen. There are a couple things we have decided to agree upon regarding Judaism and tolerance in general, however:

1. Neither of us would protest if uber-frightening, barely legal duo Prussian Blue was "compromised" as Rishchard put it, in some way in the future.
2. Both of us think jokes emphasizing Jewish stereotypes are funny.

Since Monsieur Orleans is not a born Jew, which is kind of a qualification for harping on the offensive social attributes of a people, Rishchard and I decided to inagurate one another into our repspective heritage circles. As a result, Rishchard and I are now both Scottish Jews. We will wear kilts and drink Manischewitz at every wedding we attend from this day forward.

And as an honorary Jew, Richshard now has full-reign to participate in Jewish jokes of all kinds. I can't remember exactly how this little Semetic diddy got started, but just yesterday Jew Orleans and I rewrote the (Raffi?) children's classic "I'm Bringing Home a Baby Bumblebee.":

Miss Stacia: I am a little Jewey Bumblebee. Won't my mommy be so proud of me. No, wait. I am a little Jewey Bumblebee. Pick up quarters, underneath the tree.

Rishchard: Shouldn't you use the word guilty?

Miss Stacia: I'm am a little Jewey Bumblebee. Grandma makes me feel oh so guilty. I am a little Jewey Bumblebee. On Shabbat cannot use energy.

Rishchard: How about, I am a little Jewey Bumblebee. Something, something something, usury.

Miss Stacia: HA.

Rishchard: Yeah, that comparative religion degree's really paying off.