High-Coup: Taking Down the Man With Third-Grade Poetry

People express their job dissatisfaction through various outlets, some healthier than others. When I first started working for the Citi back in July '05, I was pretty miserable. The temp job was my first experience in a strict corporate environment and at first I found the atmosphere a bit stodgy, the people stiff, the work mundane. Eventually I came to love the Bonz, Ken Tailey, McMattress and the rest of the Citi crew. And I reveled in the hours of downtime, the likes of which I may never see again, by combing every New York City publication and gossip blog and hatching ideas like Experimental Fashion Friday. But in those first few weeks, before I started abusing my email account and reading Gawker shamelessly in front of portfolio managers, I nearly lost my mind among the suits and spreadsheets.

How did I cope? With Hai-freaking-kus. Yes, Haikus, the most simplistic poetic verse known to man, taught to me in elementary school and finally mastered in their application to the boring world of finance. At first I would simply text off-the-cuff verses to my boyfriend at the time, but after a while I began scrawling down pages and pages of spontaneous three-line poems in my notebook during work hours. I never really paid attention to the traditional
seasonal reference guideline, I just followed the basic five-seven-five syllable rule and let my random thoughts inform the subject matter. The majority of the poems dealt with my inability to comprehend my corporate surroundings. (I'll admit, I was very judgemental at first.) Some dealt with my insufferable boredom. Some were completely out-of-nowhere, and a handful were just plain dirty.

Below is a sampling of my poetic accomplishments. Ancient Japanese poets are rolling over in their graves right now. But at least they're not crunching numbers in pinstripes. Enjoy:


Oh ham, egg and cheese,
hope he doesn't break your yolk.
I like you messy.

Net interest margin?
Earning assests, average loans?
I failed statistics.

Some teachers sustain
healthy appetites for chalk.
What I learned in math.

When men wear work suits
hot, big, hairy animals
freeze out the women.

Next time, in fairness,
big boss man comes back to life
to work the mailroom.

Hall and Oates photo
Cubicles tell half stories
Oh lover of Floyd

It's four fifty-six.
Clock strikes five in four short ones.
In thirty I'm gone.

Nothing you can do
after failing the drug test
but light up a doob.

Confiscate my note
Read it in front of the class
All dirty haikus

Wasted life at work
Adding to the big green wad
No time for strippers

Prior to email
Had to talk to coworkers
Eighteen times a day

Tough when in common
all you have with coworkers
is Katie and Tom.

Albert Einstein, bah!
Cole slaw on turkey: GENIUS!
Fuck you, café wrap.

How many wires?
Building stuffed with computers.
Who sets this shit up?

Swim through humid air
Today all the amoebas
Get to work on time

Push a cubicle
Watch the dominoes sucker!
Office hazard deaths

At five twenty-two
Roseanne Barr on the treadmill
moves faster than time.


And a limerick for good measure:

At the heart of esteemed Citicorp,
sat a girl who found finance a bore.
If in work was enthused
as she was with haikus
she would be making money galore.