Snakes on a Half-Empty Plizzane

Reasons you should see Snakes on a Plane even though apparently no one else has:

1. To appreciate the screenplay's endearing commitment to a ridiculous premise. Says the movie’s villain of his decision to release snakes on the plane (to eliminate a witness who means to testify against him in a murder trial): “We’ve exhausted every other option.” Of course you did.
2. To witness Samuel L. Jackson’s dexterity in wielding random snake defense weapons including a tazer, a lance tipped with a broken beer bottle, and a hairspray-fueled blowtorch.
3. For a disturbing and hilariously predictable string of snake attacks on multiple genital/erogenous zones.
4. For the most ridiculously hedonistic-turned-gory airplane sex scene. See number 3.
5. For Sam Jackson’s PERFECT delivery of the line that launched the hype.
6. For Julianna Marguiles’ underappreciated hotness.
7. For David Koechner’s performance as mildly sleazy and freakishly resilient co-pilot, Rick.
8. To see a Tinkerbell-sized dog punted directly into the mouth of a boa constrictor. Sorry mom/Shayna, it was funny. And some little dogs deserve it.
9. For Keenan. Way more effective sans Kel.
10. For the rewarding epiphany that Samuel L. Jackson isn’t acting at all. He’s just a bad ass motherfucker. As he proclaims early in the film, “It's my job to handle life and death situations on a daily basis. It's what I do, and I'm very good at it.” Damn straight.